When the Enemy Is Me: Healing Self-Blame and Shame in Autoimmune Illness

When I was 24, I began experiencing strange symptoms I couldn't explain. I had just moved to Nashville, working full-time as a bartender and living what I thought was a carefree, fun-filled life. I stayed out late, partied hard, and rarely thought about my health — because I never had to.

Then one morning, I woke up with intense pain in my hands. I figured I’d slept on them wrong or overused them during a long shift. I slapped on some braces, popped some Advil, and moved on. But the pain didn’t go away. It got worse — and it spread. First to my feet, then to my joints. My hands and feet started turning white and numb. Something was clearly wrong.

I didn’t have a doctor yet — finding one hadn’t exactly been top of mind during my move. (Though I *did* find a psychiatrist my first week — priorities, right?) The process of trying to get seen, get answers, and get relief felt slow and terrifying. The pain kept me home from work. I became less social, more isolated. And underneath the physical symptoms, I was facing something deeper: an identity crisis.

If I wasn’t bartending, partying, or going out with friends… who was I?

After a positive ANA test, I waited months to see a rheumatologist. Eventually, I was diagnosed with Mixed Connective Tissue Disease and Lupus. My world flipped upside down. I was devastated, confused, and overwhelmed.

And then came the guilt.

*Why me?

*What did I do to cause this?

*This has to be my fault.

For years, I chased healing like a full-time job: strict diets, supplements, medications, acupuncture, detoxes — anything that might give me some control. I’ve always been a perfectionist, and my inner dialogue was brutal. If I could just do everything “right,” I thought, then maybe I wouldn’t feel so ashamed or broken.

I believed that if I figured out the *reason* my body turned on me, I could fix it — or at least punish myself enough to feel in control.

But here’s what I’ve learned after years of therapy, inner work, and rebuilding my relationship with myself:

**Self-blame doesn't heal you. It only deepens the wound.**

I spent years in a silent war with my body. I shamed her. I resented her. I tried to *outsmart* her.

But all along, she wasn’t trying to ruin my life — she was trying to save it.

My body was screaming at me to slow down, to soften, to finally pay attention. Autoimmunity, in a strange and painful way, became the wake-up call I didn’t know I needed. Not just to change my diet or lifestyle — but to completely transform how I *speak* to myself. How I *treat* myself. How I *love* myself.

And here’s the truth I hold onto now:

> My body is not the enemy.

> My diagnosis is not my fault.

> And shame has no place in my healing.

If a friend were going through what I’ve gone through, would I tell her it’s her fault? Or would I hold her, love her, and remind her of her strength?

So now I ask myself daily:

“What does my body need today?”

“How can I speak to her with compassion instead of criticism?”

The mindset work — the deep, emotional healing — has had more impact on my health than any supplement I’ve ever taken. The more I soften toward myself, the more space I create for real healing.

It didn’t happen overnight. These thoughts didn’t feel true at first. But like planting seeds, the more I practiced compassion, the more it grew. And over time, it became my truth.

If your body is already fighting itself, why would you keep adding fuel to the fire with shame, blame, and hate?

Start here:

It’s not your fault.

You are not broken.

You deserve love — especially from yourself.

<3 Carissa